did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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