I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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