remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
