I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
home. puking in laundry basket.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
