1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
