Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
