chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
