Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Randomize