these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Panties = found
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
