News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
