i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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