I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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