literally had 100 drinks last night.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
