Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
