Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Randomize
