she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
