I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
