i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
