Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Randomize
