to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
