so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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