Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
