I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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