Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
