Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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