It's Friday. Sex?
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
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