I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
It's rum buckets o'clock
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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