The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
