God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Randomize
