I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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