M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Dicks are not precious.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
