I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
