Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
