I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Say something about gay babies.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
