dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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