the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
