Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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