I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I just gift wrapped bread.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
