You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
