She went from zero to smokin in five shots
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I am naked and annoyed.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
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