my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
