I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Randomize
