Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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