He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
