You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
