Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Say something about gay babies.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
