Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
