I think i sorta joined a cult last night
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
