I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
