Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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