I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
