Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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