If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
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