does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Randomize
