Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
