it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
i'm watching degrassi (go figure) and the episode is about jimmy not being able to get a boner and now he's famous and rapping about popping pussies..i dont get it.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
